Many people
decide that
they are bad parents. Deciding to bring a child into this
world
can be the most daunting and scariest experience in a persons life. You
have in your hands a brand new life that is now under your
responsibility to look after and care for until they are old enough to
handle their own lives by themselves.
However,
not every
couple decides upon a planned parent hood and so many people fall under
a category that society may perceive to be as inappropriate to bring up
a child.
Whether
you are alcoholic or smoking parents,
controlling or over protective parents, gay or step parents, divorced
or single parents, new, young teen or aging parents or just simply
fairly odd parents this is no excuse to bring
up your child in a negative environment.
In
order to have great relationships with your
Children
it is essential to
first understand where they are coming from and then second to make
them understand where you are coming from.
Understanding the needs of your child and catering towards them so they
always have a positive result is the key. Teenagers
maybe the most troublesome of
all ages who simply do not know how to control their
behaviours.
Teenagers are
a whole different species to the rest of us
and abide by their own set of rules to keep themselves
happy. They
appear to have no respect for anyone else and lack consideration and
understanding towards anyone conflicting with their ways.
Now
this is no one's fault apart from the parents'. It is you who is
responsible to teach your child respect, self-respect, discipline,
manners and sufficient knowledge to handle themselves out in the world
with an appropriate approach. Yes they have outside
influences, through
education,
but adopting the role of parenthood you were aware of the big bad world
and should have known to be the primary role model for your child.
However,
when they become teenagers they have already learnt most things from
their surrounding environment and will in most cases do as they please
to make themselves happy. Making themselves happy usually means at the
expense of others including and especially you. For some
reason
when they hear mom or dad say 'no' or 'don't or 'never' the inevitable
happens - they go and do it anyway!
This is because
teens
love
adventure and risk. They want to rebel and be in the position to take
control of their own lives. They don't want to be
controlled and told
what to do. They think they are grown up and have the right to do as
they wish without needing permission to do it.
They want to act like
grown ups.
So when you are saying 'no' you are reinforcing the
image of an irresponsible and childlike position to the teen and that
is what they want to get away from.
The
more you stop them from doing
the things they want to do the more they will rebel, drift away from
you and break the loving and caring bond which should be the foundation
of the relationship between parent and child.
To take back
control of the situation it is imperative that you listen to what the
kids want and cater to those needs. Now it is not always appropriate to
give them what they want because most of the time it will be sex,
drugs, alcohol, cigarettes and late night partying. The first step
although a big one is to get them to say it to you. Have them
tell you about all those typical bad teenage things that teenagers get
up to.
In order to
gain respect back from them, you have to
become them. Bring yourself back to when you were a
teenager and
remember all the things you wanted. Granted you probably weren't such
a brat with so many needs and bad habits but you still were
once a
child who just wanted to grow up faster than expected. So put yourself
into their shoes and try to understand where they are coming from.
Simply
talking to them will start to bridge the gap between yourselves and
then you
will
automatically start to rebuild the connection. Remember you are the
parent and so it is up to you to make all the moves to strengthen the
relationship.
It is
nearly always lack of communication which weakens
relationships so just by talking on an equal level will enable positive
changes to occur.
So now you are talking, you want to understand
what they want and why they want it. Reassure them that they can have
anything they want as long as it is not harmful to themselves, to
others or to the environment. You also need to take this into
consideration that you should not be stopping them from doing things
they enjoy if it doesn't prove harmful.
So if they want to drink
why not allow them a little drink in the discretion of your own home?
Drinking in moderation can be quite beneficial so a little drink a
couple of times a week will not do any harm at all. The key here is to
get yourself on the same level as them so they know you understand them
and are finally treating them as grown ups which is their sole mission.
If
they want to stay out late at night then why not set a night to take
them out yourself. Surprise them! If they are underage you can still
take them to a bar where grown ups hang out and get them a soft drink.
Or just go for a spontaneous late night drive where you can find out
about all their other secrets. This is quality time that will bring you
closer and closer.
If this seems too out of character, where you
really have no relationship with your child and they will just look at
you funny if you mention such absurdity then just starting out by
talking will make a significant difference. There is no point in
complaining that you have never talked with your kids on an
understanding level and find it hard to make the first move or else you
would not have wanted to make the change in the first place.
The
best way is to just to tell the teen what is on your mind and that you
want to start understanding them so it makes life a bit easier living
with each other. You will be surprised to know that your
child will
want the exact same thing, to feel close and have an understanding with
their mom and dad.
No child wants to feel unloved or uncared
for. And no parent wants their child to feel unloved and uncared for.
Parenthood is
about loving, caring and understanding your children or
else you would not have had them in the first place.
These
small steps will open up new doorways to a brand new relationship that
will allow you to
enjoy
being parents and the joys of having and being
around your children.
Parents Behaving badly
Sometimes it is not always the children at fault but mom and/or dad.
Us adults do want to think that we know better than the youngsters and
if ever they undermine our knowledge we dismiss it as immaturity from
their behalf.
Parents of teenagers may experience that hardest stages of bringing up
a child but sometimes you need to stop and take a look at yourself to
see if the troublesome issue between yourselves is really the fault of
the teen or if it is a fault of your own.
It will be a
very hard task for adults to admit fault but isn't it better
to let your guard down and restore the relationship with your child
than let stubborness and pride destroy it?
Take a look at the situation at hand. I mean really sit down and think
about it.
Lets take an example of when the teens decide that they are
moving out of the parents house.
Now the best advice to ingest here would be,
if they are old enough to live on
their own then wouldn't that actually be a compliment to you that you
have brought them up to be independent and self sufficient young adults?
And that they feel secure enough to live out there without the constant
support of mom and dad?
If you feel they are just running away from you then read the above
passage again on how to better the communication with your kids and
find out why they are moving out and what they hope to achieve from
this. Had there been good communication and understanding since their
childhood, you would never have to be put in such a situation.
If you feel they are not old enough and cannot look after themselves
then that would be a viable reason to prevent them from moving out.
Again, you want to understand
their
needs and deal with them on mutual terms. They will not want to move
out because you will have offered them a more reasonable amount of
freedom -
which is what
they want!
Another problem concerning their moving out could be that they are
moving in with someone of a corrupt nature. You obviously want to
protect them and do not want them to fall under bad influences.
Would you not consider it to be a good idea to have a chat
with the person who wants to take on the responsibilty of your child?
This person may not even be as bad as you thought.
Most parents feel that the other kids out there are the ones that
influence their own to become rebelious. Do you not think that the
parents of these kids have the same opinion about yours?
Many times adults have the
complete wrong opinion about the character of an individual without
even having met them and spoke to them.
It is your duty to surround your kids with the best influences and so a
great teen parenting tip would be to hold small get-togethers for the
friends of your kids at your own home. Your kids may cringe initially
at the thought of it but if you have had a good chat to them and have
found out their needs and wants, then you are taking this good advice
and now catering for them.
Tell them that they can have reasonably loud music, food and light
alcoholic beverages and they can stay as long as they want. This
probably does not sound as bad as you may think because think about it,
wouldn't it have been a dream of yours if your parents offered this
opportunity to you when you were a teen?
This way you can get to know who your child hangs around with, make a
positive judgement and you may even prevent them from moving out at
all. Tell them if they behave in a reasonable manner then this can
become a regularity.
By making
them understand that all you really want is for them to be happy,
it will be extremely comforting for them which will only work in your
favour.
Remember it's all about strengthening the ties between your loved ones
and understanding each other through sufficient communication and
catering for each others needs. By admitting to them that may have been
the wrong one by ordering them to abide by your rules only will bring
them into resonance with your needs too.
Above all
love your children and express that through your words and actions.
